This commitment to this blog is hard for me after what I’ve been through. And I think since I’m being wrenched more and more from my previous paradigm of religion, it feels surreal, but yet, by and large my normal life is indeed normal.
I am sad tonight. I even had or have a youtube where I talked about sewing again, and I can’t do it. I am relieved to admit it, tired of trying to go back to things I enjoyed in the caged existence of my past, and yet honest enough to appreciate my journey just as it is whether I have others’ approval or not.
I worry a lot, and am trying not to do that. I don’t trust many people after what happened to me, and this society in America feels like it is disintegrating constantly right before my very tired eyes. I would have been a Christian 50 years come June of 2023, and here I am not sure exactly what I am.
That’s a lie, but it is a truth because I lost everyone and I feel like nobody actually has time for me, and then I feel selfish for this honesty.
So as I delve deeper into a book I’m also going to edit out a good bit of material from which I wrote and then the world fell apart as I kept going as an author and now an artist and sorceress, I will tell you what I am now, America.
I am an atheist with people I love. They do not make any sense to me anymore. We all rejected old Christian ways, but there is still discordance and it shouldn’t be there in my honest opinion. So when I’m with Christians, Catholics, or people close up who I don’t actually understand anymore, I’m more atheist than anything else. I blame the Christian Religion and what it has done to women by and large for this issue in my life. Atheist to me, says there is no metaphysical world with Spirit/Soul truth. No GOD; No metaphysical mystery. It is all explainable or it doesn’t exist.
Stoic, which is hard to be to me. I don’t feel like I was actually this one at birth. I think my journey has turned me into one, though.
No religion. i really, really struggle with this one being raised in the warmth and security of Christianity, then finding out about my metaphysical side, then testifying, then realizing I’d evolved from prophetess to sorceress, then having to help some people understand TARA (an ARCAngel) and how I’m an exorcist which is strange indeed, but I’m not listing exorcist in this list. Exorcism tends to fade in a person’s life; however, those of us who do it, I think that journey is separate from anyone else.